Hard Times

I feel like a piece of wood floats over the water of a wild river. Sometimes the waves push it up and sometimes down. Sometimes it descends to the bottom and sometimes it is pushed against the hard rocks. All this because it is driven by the powerful river. When you see it floats, that doesn’t mean it is a good swimmer.

Me too, when you know I do something right it doesn’t mean that I am a winner. When I compare myself with others I see myself as a swimmer with a very short arms trying to race with a very powerful swimmers through a very wild river.

Now the river pushes me downward. I am now at the bottom. You know what? I prefer to stay there where there are no expectations or persuading towards any hope ends with nothing.

This is the letter I have sent to my girl since 10 years ago.

“I have waited too long the chance to speak to you but it seems it won’t come. So, I’ve decided to write to you to let my pen does what my lips failed to do.

I can’t say that I love you, may be because I don’t dare to say it even between me and myself. Or may be I haven’t experienced this feeling before in my life.

All I can say is I am looking forward to see you even when I am looking to you. I am looking forward to hear your voice which I have never heard before. Is it pretty as your face or hard as your heart which didn’t give me any chance to speak to you?

I hesitated too much in writing to you more than you imagine but when I lost hope of being even your friend, I’ve decided to write to say there is someone lives to see you.

But unfortunately, it has been three years without one word between us. Because when you pass beside me my heart beats very strongly and my hands tremble and my eyes see no one but you.

At last, I regret because of my daring and I hope you won’t be angry of this letter. ‘I love you.’ That’s all I want to say.”

I have to say that I didn’t sign my letter so she hasn’t known whose this mysterious letter.

This is another page from my old diaries. I remember it as if it was yesterday. There was three persons only between us and that was very close indeed.

“Something has been changed in my life since last Tuesday because I was sitting close to her and watching her beautiful face. She looked, smiled and talked. Although that wasn’t me whom she talked to but I was very happy. I pretend to be that person. I know it is very silly to live all your moments in your life pretending.

I dream of the day when I can speak to her and she listens to my words. I ask my self if I will have the power to let myself enjoying her lovely smile without turning my face because of my shyness.

Now, I am sure if I talk to her, she will listen and reply with her lovely voice.

But where is the power to force me towards her. No power. It’s so pathetic to be like that. So, I’ve decided to send her a written message telling her what I feel. May be a card with a lovely picture. Sending it to the faculty requires some courage and power to let that happen and prevent its quickly death.

Be with me and don’t let me alone.”

I’ve sent the letter but that is another page of my diaries.

I found this old diaries and it seems I’ve suffered from sever depression since I was in college. I was in love with one girl who was in the same year with me. Although it has lasted for four years, we have never spoken. When I read this diaries I feel I will never change. It is totally the same feelings. I’ve written this just before the exam. Read with me please.

“My life turns to black whenever I remember the practice exam. It’s so hard to wait all that time imagining what I’ll do, how I’ll do and if I’ll success or not.

Bad chances I have, bad decisions I take and bad days I live. You can’t imagine how much moments look like dark nights. I really suffer from this life and I won’t tolerate any more. No, no more harmful moments. No, no more bad luck. No, no more tears and suffering.

I can’t over come this life any more. My limited years are passed very fast and I was not pleased with the last ones.

Some times they say that I am lucky to be myself. However the truth is that I would be really happy if I was another person. Another man lives in another place and another time. That man, I think, should be more proud of himself and also so brave. To be loved you should be like him.

How bad are my words? Without meaning, without aims and without power. I may cut this paper into tiny parts because I have no intention to let any one read it. I don’t want any body to read my words. To know my suffering and my bad days. To know my thoughts. To find out my position in this life and how small and how weakness I am.”

When you do your best you usually hope the best thing is going to happen. But I always hope that the worst thing won’t happen. Or I am not there when the worst thing does happen. I don’t care if some thing bad takes place as long as I am not there to be in charge of it.

I do that to make myself less depressive. You know when you expect a little of something you will not be so sad when everything doesn’t go as you wish.

But that is not true. I found out that expecting the best makes you always ready to move on if you fail. Because you are optimistic you always see the good side of every failure.

So, from now on, I hope the best for me.

I see a new girl. She isn’t so pretty but she is nice. We don’t speak too much. I don’t have many things to say so as she. I don’t know why I think this relation will work but it seems I find someone who cares about me. She argues with me most of the time. But I like that. That moves things inside me. That gives me a reason to live. That gives my life a very good taste. It doesn’t matter if we have the same ideas or hobbies but talking itself is great. I saw her four times until now and I hope every thing is going OK.

It is very hard to find something interested or funny to say. I try to think before saying anything but that leads to long silence. I talked about my career and her career then I talked about the weather then I talked about…… I think that is it. We didn’t talk too much as I have mentioned.

My sister told me to express my feeling to her but I don’t feel like love but I think she is a nice person. Again she told me to tell her that I find her nice. She thinks that girls like talking about feelings. I don’t have the courage to tell any one I like you or I like talking to you. I will wait some while before going any further on that relationship. I don’t have any experience.

I’ll see her next Friday and I hope I won’t blow every thing up. Wish me good luck!

I expect to lose my mind soon. I try to prevent that but I think I will fail. I don’t know exactly the definition of losing mind but sometime I want to hit my head against the wall or throw any thing away or scream very loudly or say bad things.

I expect to fail. In my job, I will not do better than that. In my life, I will not find someone loves me. In my family, I will disappoint them all.

I expect to be unhappy all my life.  Nothing makes me happy anymore. I find out that I don’t laugh at all, I may smile and even smiling is always pretending. Also, I don’t find anything outside myself that makes me feels sad. I am like a statue, everyday is like the day before, nothing changes except it goes darker and more dirty.

I continuously calm my self down in every situation hurts me. I try to look like a cool person always smiles to people and speaks politely and avoids to offend anybody. But, nothing goes away. Everything, everyone, every word and every offensive situation are staying in my mind. They have never left me.

Now, I am very close to lose control and let everything out. My mind is the most precious grace I have received from my God and I don’t want to lose it.

I used to play chess in high school. It was a nightmare whenever I played a new game. There were tremors during the game. My dominant hand and my head also were shaking slightly but obviously. Everybody made fun of me because of that. I was trying to stop that tremor but I couldn’t. I was almost the winner but because of those over worried feelings I lost many times.

The game turned to a very painful experince. Pain in my heart , tremor, sweating and stammering. So I have stopped playing chess.

That is not restricted to chess. I have this feeling in many situations. If I argue with my father about something or if I try to explain to a stranger anything or if I speak against a group of people, no matter who they are, I have this feeling. I avoid anything causes this feeling whatever I lose or sacrifice.

In work, I avoid asking for my rights and if someone takes what he doesn’t deserve I prefere not to argue about that. I don’t like being like that but I look weird when people see me on this status. They think I am afraid of them. I am not afraid of people but my body is.

I’ve tried many times to find out what triggers my depression. Nothing is really happened to make me feel like that. So, why? Why I feel so badly about my self. In fact, I have those thoughts but really I do nothing. They are just bad thoughts. I did some mistakes in the past but now I’ve stopped. If some one talks to me badly or some one ignores me for some reason or if I say hey to some one and he doesn’t hear me; all that makes me feeling depressed for many days. My father always says that I am so sensitive.

I’ve disappointed my family many times. I don’t care about my self but it is really hurt me when I disappoint anybody. When I was kid, I was involved in a race in my school. “Go to the wall then come back quickly” that was what my teacher said. I started to run, I was very fast, and I was the first one who reached the wall and then suddenly when I began to complete the race, I started to slow down, I didn’t know why but I lost my race although it was easy for me to win. That’s a brief of my life.

I feel terrible when I find myself in a conflict with any body for any reason. This is very painful. When I say painful I truly mean pain. I feel the pain in my heart as if someone is squeezing my heart. So, I always avoid facing anybody for any reason. I refuse also to take my responsibilities towards anything. I am always the loser.

The problem of depression is that you are too depressed to do anything. I am too depressed to look for a psychiatrist. I am too depressed to take any medication. I am too depressed to try anything to treat my self and make myself feels better. It is a vicious circle. Untill something happy outside myself pushes me away from depression and saddness. It is usually love. Love is the only thing that can push any one from misrable to complete happiness. So, if any body lives without love then there is no hope to be a normal person. And since I miss that, I will be depressed forever. Love is real. Since you can feel it and miss it, then it is a real thing. I don’t believe that love is like Santa. They told us about him but he doesn’t exisit. Love is really out there, in somewhere. But I can’t get it.