Hard Times

I want to cover my face. I need a mask. I need a solid mask without any expressions on it. Neither sad nor happy. I want people to stop starring at my face. I found out that when I am walking, I always put my hand over my lower part of my face as if I touch my lips unintentionally. I look to the ground all the time. But I need more I need to cover my whole face. I do many horrible things, I am disgusting. If people know what I am thinking about they will spit on my face. I need a mask.

I even think about those ugly things while I am asking my God for forgiveness. I need a mask, a very solid one.

When I watch a movie, I see people try to act as someone else. I am acting like them, all the time. I am acting as a nice person, as a good person, as a normal person. But one day they will discover my reality. I am afraid from that day. When my family know what a disgusting person I am. I want to be ready for that day. I want to cover my face completely. I need a mask.

I used to speak to myself since I was 5 years old. I always prefer that than find someone else and speak to him. It’s more easy and more comfortable, I can say anything to myself, and it’s more secure and I am very nice to my self. I don’t speak as myself but I imagine that there is another person and we speak friendly. It is usually a girl. No matter what her name but she always a nice person and has good listening gift and good personality. We speak about every thing. She is not the same person every time but I change her every couple of weeks. That habit leads to forcing me away from people because first of all I don’t want to look like a crazy person who talks to himself. Secondly I don’t need people any more because I have a nice person speaks to me. Thirdly I didn’t find any person like those I imagine. But now after growing up It’s no more sufficient. I need a real person I want one I can see and touch and hear. I want one smiles to me. But it becomes harder and harder. I am like a person who has lived alone on an island for a long time then he came back to people, he found himself unable to communicate with them and also has been changed even towards his nearest relatives. His body has returned but his mind hasn’t.

I was eleven years old, I was doing my homework then I fell asleep. Just like that. My father came home suddenly and knocked the door but I didn’t hear him. After more knocking I waked up and opened the door then he asked me ” You were sleeping?” I was afraid of him so I said ” No” He knew that I’ve lied. He took me outside the house and left me alone for an hour as a punishment. It was cold there and I was left for an hour crying. He thought that made me a man who never lied. But that is untrue I still lie and I hate him.

My father did many things to me some are good and some are bad. I don’t remember the good things but I still remember the bad ones. He makes me liar, coward, non self-confident, non self-dependent, have no targets, and self injury person. It’s very difficult to explain how he did all that but if you were me and lived afraid of someone for 28 years, you would know. He still punished me but emotionally as stop talking or saying good morning to me. It really hurts when you are punished. I hate the moments before be punished. The hell is waiting. When I was abused by a stranger I was punished. My father hit me. So if any one asks me “Did you do that mistake?”, I will answer “No”. I will lie to avoid being punished physically or emotionally.

I don’t have any friend. I have no one to talk to or explain how sad I am. It’s very hard to know a new guy. It’s very hard to make a conversation with a stranger at least to me. I start looking at him, a stranger, and searching for any thing to say but what. It’s very hard to find how to start talking. What I should say how I say it. And if I say anything and the other one replies then it is very hard to proceed. Oh God why I am always supposed to start again and again. I am boring, every one stop the conversation after a little time of starting. I know I am boring. It’s very obvious in their eyes, silly smiles and turning their faces away while I am talking to them. It’s very rude to turn your face while someone try to be nice and talk to you. All I am saying is ‘ please pretend to be friendly even you think that guy in-front of you is boring’. I say many complements to others I smile to them all the time during conversation to prevent that. Every one say I speak with low voice but I think I am heard. It’s very common that when I talk no one hearing me no one listening to me. I say hello to someone but he doesn’t respond I am sure if he hears, he will replies but I am sure also that my voice isn’t that low. Why they always don’t hearing my voice. Sometimes I think I am just a soul without a physical body. No one sees me no one hears me. It’s very painful when you like somebody very much and when you say hey to him, he doesn’t remember your name. I am surprised how I think that person is very special to me while he doesn’t remember my name. how I suppose to have new friends without be heard or seen. I also have this fear from any group more than two persons. More number more harder. I prefer to kill my self than speaking in front of a group of people starring at you all the time I only need one friend each time to talk to him. To tell him how lucky I am to have him. Sharing hobbies and talking all the night are very great. I tried to chat but I am not convinced with that. I need a friend with flesh and blood. I need to see his face while I am talking. It is very important to see your friend’s face. Smile or frown, understand or lose you. It’s very important to see his eyes. I read the eyes very well. I know when someone nods but he doesn’t follow me. If he lies or tells the truth. I am sick of searching for a friend I will not find him because I am not a social person I am not noticed in public places I have nothing to impress people.

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